


When The Cherry Blossoms Fade

by fairyminseok



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8561098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyminseok/pseuds/fairyminseok
Summary: Maybe Jongin's selfish, but he just wants to hear Baekhyun sing one more time, wants to drape himself across Baekhyun's stomach and listen to how his heartbeat matches the vibration of the song that comes from his lips.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title (and running theme) borrowed from Produce 101/I.O.I’s song “When The Cherry Blossoms Fade”.

"Hi Jongin! It's me again. I hope you're doing okay and that you've watched the sunset recently. I saw one out my window the other day that amazed me and it reminded me of that time on the docks. You know when you were too shy to confess and I had to do it for you. You're so cute you know? Anyways, the doctor says I'm getting better and she's so proud of me for my energy and how much I fight. I told her it's because I have to go home, because you're waiting for me and that's most important. 

I told her I need to be better by Spring so we can see the flowers together, before they fade. She thinks we're super cute yeah? I showed her pictures and everything. I just- I miss you and you better be doing okay and you better be sleeping and you better be smiling. Don't worry Jonginnie. I love you and I'll be home soon okay?"

櫻

A laptop whirs to life, motor struggling to handle the CD pushed it into its side. Its an old computer, worn down from years of use. Jongin has never really been able to afford a new one, too busy saving for college, saving for his flights across the ocean to visit someone whose smiles brighten any dark room, whose eyes crinkle better than any pretty idol. 

There's shuffling on screen, a muffled swear and a beaming grin as Baekhyun swims into focus, attempting to adjust the viewfinder. 

"Hi Jongin!" He starts cheerfully, awkward but radiant, looking tiny in his oversized hoodie. Baekhyun's fingers disappear into the sleeves and his collarbones poke out dangerously, chest hollow where Jongin can see it. It would be cute if Baekhyun wasn't so skinny, if Baekhyun didn't look so beautiful even while his hands shake and his dark circles threaten to take over his entire face. "It's been a while hasn't it? Wifi is hard to get out here and I can't skype you, but the nurse got me a camera."

Baekhyun flashes a winning smile to the camera, fingers pressing to the corners of his lips to lift them up. _cheer up Jongin_ his grin says, _everything will be alright._ His eyes say otherwise. 

"I'll mail the package to you once I've taken all the videos I want to," Baekhyun speaks like he doesn't have any worries, like he isn't about to risk his life to get better. A beacon of optimism radiating into Jongin's life. "We can watch them when I come home after my operation and you can feed me pizza and make me better."

Baekhyun holds a pinky up the screen, cheesy, lopsided smile growing larger until Jongin can see the rectangle shape that brings him so much joy. He laughs weakly at the action, covers his mouth with his sleeve and giggles. Watching these together would be nothing short of an embarrassment, Jongin giggling at his boyfriend and Baekhyun smacking him on the arm and complaining that he's still weak from the surgery, that he can't fight Jongin into the cushions. 

"I'm getting ready for bed right now," Baekhyun informs him, sticking up a leg and sliding a hand down it. He's trying to be seductive but he falls backward with a squeal and a laugh, catching his ankle with a hand. Jongin can't help but notice how easily his fingers fit around his ankle, overlapping each other with ease. Baekhyun appears back in the camera still beaming but with a toothbrush in hand. "I figured we could brush our teeth together. It's not like it should be, and maybe you should do this one alone so I don't make fun of you. I know you're awkward about doing things like this but-"

Jongin already has his toothbrush out. It's silly but hes never been able to shoot down a request from Baekhyun, never been able to say no to anything. He just wishes Baekhyun was home with him, just wishes his voice could be clear in Jongin''s ear and not across a recorded screen, not crackling over a receiver. 

 

_And home is in your arms, Jongin, but that's somewhere I can't be right now, might never be again and I- I just don't know if I can let you do this forever._

_When are you coming homing hyung?_

_I thought we were both home, each other's home even if we're far. Don't worry, they're moving me next week and I'm going to get better. There's no wifi but I'm happy to go._

_We're not each other's home like this. I can't-_

_You can._

 

"I have a mission for you," Baekhyun says when he's done brushing his teeth, stumbling in the cold, white hallways as he returns to his bed. Jongin wishes he could send Baekhyun his favourite blankets -- the pretty, thick ones with the foxes decorated on the edges -- so he wouldn't need to sleep on dull sheets, wouldn't need to cover himself with an off yellow that reeks of sorrow. "I need you to take pictures of the cherry blossoms for me. They're going to fall soon, and I won't be home in time to see them, can you do that for me Jongin? I want to see them."

Baekhyun's smile fades then, as he snuggles close to the camera and coughs into his sleeves. Jongin curls up in his own bed, pulling Baekhyun's blankets to his chin while he tries not to notice how much Baekhyun shakes, even in the warmth of his hospital room. 

"They remind me of the cycle of life," Baekhyun admits hollowly, life gone from his voice and the truth cracking through his empty eyes. Jongin misses the smile already, wishes he could fly, to Baekhyun and to happiness with the both of them. "They're alive and they're so beautiful but we don't celebrate then do we? No, we celebrate them when they fall and die and we think it's so beautiful. But then they fade and we forget. Don't forget me like people forget the cherry blossoms Jonginnie. I won't fade away now but I might one day and I-"

The camera shuts off.

櫻 

Baekhyun is dancing through the falling cherry blossoms, and Jongin has never seen anything more beautiful. Even with the skies overcast and the world in a kind of hazy nothing that could rain at any second, Baekhyun shines more brilliant than any sunny day could, delicate hands catching the petals and blowing them in Jongin's face. 

Baekhyun looks healthy today, cheeks full of colour and eyes full of mirth, hair that he never cute flopping across his face as he laughs. Jongin breathes in sharply, an intake of breath that rattles his lungs and squeezes against his heart. Baekhyun is only here for a week before he's going to be gone away, carted off to get the newest treatment, the newest cure. A guinea pig in a world where medical science can't actually fix him. 

"Don't look so sad," Baekhyun's hands are on Jongin's chest and his head is tilted upwards, hair falling out of his eyes. He doesn't care if people see because he might not be here tomorrow to deal any of it, doesn't care if people think they're strange or if their stares pierce through the couple and away from who they are. Baekhyun lifts the corners of Jongin's mouth with his fingers and kisses him gently, a perfect picture of romance with his toes pointed and his fingers curled around the collar of Jongin's coat. 

It's suffocating. 

"We need to enjoy the cherry blossoms before they're gone," Baekhyun reminds him, hand small in Jongin's own. Baekhyun's fingers are freezing cold, but Jongin's used to that by now, used to zipping up Baekhyun's jackets and wrapping him in blankets to keep him warm. It's not Baekhyun's fault he's cursed with a body that cant regulate temperature, cursed to only find warmth in the weight of Jongin against him. 

Jongin doesn't know what to say. He never does these days, frowning and staying silent as the cherry blossoms cease to be beautiful and the wind is suddenly too cold, nipping at his nose and neck. Jongin feels colder than Baekhyun's skin for a moment as the fear of what might come washes over him like a tidal wave of _no_ , but Jongin pushes down the feelings, smile back at Baekhyun with a heart full of guilt. 

Jongin can't be selfish, not with Baekhyun so alive, so full of optimistic energy. "Stop worrying," He tells Jongin softly, brushing hair from Jongin's eyes and shoving snacks into his open palm. "Your feelings are too loud sometimes."

Baekhyun's feelings are never loud enough.

櫻

When the camera shifts into focus Baekhyun looks more normal than he has any other day. He's wearing one of Jongin's shirts that he'd packed when he'd gone. It's always been too big on him, but it's especially big now, falling off one shoulder and half buttoned. Jongin can never tell if it's a fashion choice or just to be extra Baekhyun, seducive even in the worst of situations. 

He looks like a stranger to Jongin now, eyes sunken and lips an off colour. His bangs are cut short, and his hair is patchy at best. Baekhyun's smiling though, as he always is, laughter bubbling up as he trails his hands against the floor of his tiny room. 

"I got to go out today, to the market," Baekhyun tells him, fingernails tapping against the tiles. It's rhythmic and comforting, like the patter of a heartbeat Jongin knows no longer exists. "It's really interesting here since it's a small town and I'm not used to that. Everyone's so nice though, and no one judged my hair falling out or that I couldn't walk very far."

Baekhyun ruffles what's left of his hair and though he looks different, he's still breathtaking, still wonderful beneath a mask of beauty that never quite wears off. At least not to Jongin. 

"The floor is really cold and it's nice," Baekhyun says quietly, glancing at his hands and then back up to the camera. "I almost want to lay down on my stomach and let the chill seep straight through to my bones. Except I don't think I'd be able to get back up and it'd be super embarrassing if the nurses come."

Jongin counts the seconds that passby, watching Baekhyun lean against his bed, a lollipop in his mouth and his eyes fluttering from place to place around the drab room. "My mom is coming tomorrow," Baehyun announces, and he looks wistful, bright. "She's bringing the wig you bought. I can't believe you did that for me. Well I can but you understand. The nurses really like me I think." 

Baekhyun laughs, a sparkling sound that trails off with a loss of breath, a pain to his side that his doubling over for only a brief second before he's sat straight up. 

Jongin pretends not to notice, just watched the video with a rapturous attention and a soaring feeling in his chest. He loves Baekhyun, loves every bit of his energetic small self, loves the snark and the intelligence and the puppy like way he begs for attention. 

"I miss you," Baekhyun says then, crossing his legs and looking up at the ceiling and then back at the camera. "I wish I could talk to you here, but even when I went into town I couldn't find a signal to call you from. I'm going to see if I can call you soon, maybe with my mom's phone."

Jongin remembers that phonecall, remembers Baekhyun's voice swimming in and out of a signal, crackling and small. But he also remembers Baekhyun's static filled laugh and the way his voice danced and sang and thanked Jongin. _Hearing your voice reminds me why I need to come home,_ He'd said, a serious tone that;s never quite fit someone like him. _I'll be there soon. They want to try something new, and I think it might work._

It hadn't worked. 

"I have to sleep now," Baekhyun says in a regretful tone on the camera, and he's holding it in his hands now, eyes up close to the lens and teeth a clear white. "I need to get up early for my treatment and a walk. I'll take a video to show you I think. They keep the gardens really nice here, and there aren't any cherry blossom trees but it's really anyway."

Baekhyun giggles, climbing up into bed with difficulty, dropping the camera over the edge in the process, a flurry of confusing movement that ends with Baekhyun's smiling face, eyes glittering in the low light of his room. "I hope you're going for walks too," Baekhyun scolds him, looking small and vulnerable in his bed without a blanket covering him, the curve of his hips bony and noticeable. "You're not to allowed to hide in your room. I don't want a zombie greeting me after my operation."

Jongin nods, though he's doing just that. The curtains are closed and the floor is a mess of clothes barely worn, a plate of half eaten food balances atop them. He feels guilty then, a shaking of his body. He'll clean up tomorrow, so Baekhyun doesn't laugh at him, doesn't scold him for being a slob, for being messy and lazy. 

Jongin taps his lips with his fingers, as frozen as the face on the screen of the video he'd paused. He remembers the warmth of Baekhyun's lips and wonders if they'd be cold now. he presses play once the plate is in the kitchen and the clothes are hidden in the closet. 

The curtains stay closed. 

"I'm going now," Baekhyun says softly, and Jongin suddenly feels as though Baekhyun is next to him, as though his voice is sounding directly in his ear, calm and reassuring. He turns his head to the side and sees nothing, his bed as empty as the compartments of his heart. "I'll sing while I walk through the garden. Soon I might not be able to anymore."

櫻

"I love the sunset," Baekhyun says one day while they sit on the docks by Jongin's old school. His feet dangle cutely over the edge, toes trailing on the surface of the water and eyes looking up at the sky. Hues of colour shine down on them, a warm light that Jongin wants to last forever. "The time from 7 to 8 is so important you know."

"Why?" Jongin asks, head tilted. He's always like midday himself, when the sun is high above and the bustle of the world reminds him that life is too beautiful always. Baekhyun is beautiful too, not quite his but maybe soon, a picture of good health and energy. Jongin stares at his legs as they swing against the wooden dock. 

"You can talk about anything once the sun goes down," Baekhyun explains, laying back against the dock and yawning, shirt riding up to expose pretty skin and wide hips. "But during a sunset you can reflect, and I don't think you can do that at any other time of day. It's a pocket of light that doesn't judge."

"You can confess too," Jongin nods, and he thinks he understands but maybe his mind is just clouded by his feelings, as it always is. 

"Why don't you do that then?" Baekhyun calls from where he's lying, eyes on Jongin but also on the sky. "Quick, before the sun goes down or I might disappear."

Neither of them notice the sun actually set, too caught up in each other and the glide of their tongues against each other.

櫻

"I couldn't walk today," Baekhyun says in a low voice to the camera, mouth turned down in childish anger. He's not in his room but in the lounge of the hospital, curled up on a couch and speaking softly as to not disturb the other patients. He's wearing the wig that Jongin had sent, floppy hair nearly identical to his old hair. "I wanted to show you the plants and the flowers, to thank you for this. Can I sing though? There's a sad old lady crying near me and I think I can help both of you."

Baekhyun glances away from the camera for a second, and Jongin can see his eyes dance lightly as he nods to someone off screen. "What do you want to hear?" Baekhyun asks, but then he's laughing, a tender, frail sound that doesn't sound like a noise of joy but a noise of sorrow, like the lonely note of a haunting violin. "you can't answer me. How about "When The Cherry Blossoms Fade?" I Heard it on the radio the other day and it reminded me of that one park we always went to."

Baekhyun looks momentarily embarrassed, flushing brightly as a voice says something in the distance that Jongin can't catch. "We won't fade though, Jongin," Baekhyun assures him in a quiet voice, low enough so that only the camera picks up his words. "You might have to carry me until I'm better though, so I can still see the flowers in the Spring. I don't think they'd look the same here without you."

"They don't look the same without you either," Jongin whispers, thinking about his world and it's lack of colour, the flowers falling around him only serving to remind him that everything dies eventually. And when Baekhyun starts to sing he wonders if things could somehow be different, if the petals could reverse and find their way back to the branches they belong on, if the world would somehow hear Baekhyun sing again. 

Maybe Jongin's selfish, but he just wants to hear Baekhyun sing one more time, wants to drape himself across Baekhyun's stomach and listen to how his heartbeat matches the vibration of the song that comes from his lips. 

"I have to go now," Except he can't. "I'll see you soon," Except he won't. "I love you Jongin." Except there's no one left to love Jongin now and a song doesn't sound quite as pretty without Baekhyun there to sing it for him.

櫻

"Hi Jongin," Baekhyun's voice rings out, echoing against the cold, lonely walls of his tiny hospital bedroom. "My operation's in two days and I'm a bit scared."

He's holding a small oxygen tank in his hands, the tubes in his nose small but glaring, hindering his voice. Jongin's heart lurches at the sight, and he hates himself for not realizing in all the silence of Baekhyun going away, in the dulled happiness of the months before, that Baekhyun has never actually been getting better. 

"You shouldn't be scared though, okay?" Baekhyun says the last word desperately, like a plea. "I know you're probably counting it down to the second, and you probably haven't slept. But you need to rest okay babe?"

Jongin hasn't. 

"I'm optimistic about this," Baekhyun sighs happily. "You're my only regret you know, if it doesn't work."

Jongin blinks, heart momentarily shrieking and halting and shattering. 

"I don't mean regret as in I regret you, I just mean that I'd regret leaving you," Baekhyun licks his lips, grinning wickedly. He looks casual but his eyes are empty and his hands tug nervously at the hem of his shirt. "My life is as complete as it ever could be, but I don't want you left behind. that's why I need to come home you know. I want to come home."

Jongin can't decide what home actually is anyways. 

"I pressed some flowers from the gardens here today," Baekhyun says with smile that looks more like a grimace. He looks like he's in pain as he stretches to grab the pieces of canvas paper, body convulsing and oxygen tank shifting, slender fingers curling around them with almost no strength at all. "I'll bring them back with me when I come home and I'll teach you how okay?"

Jongin can see the framed pieces of paper from where he's sitting on his bed, beautiful colours kept alive and displayed like pieces of Baekhyun's vibrant soul on his bedroom wall. 

Jongin can't bring himself to learn how because those are the only flowers that hold any colour to him anymore, that hold the vitality of someone who's spirit should have stuck to the Earth forever. 

"I have to go now," Baekhyun says apologetically, wrinkling his nose in distaste. "It's dinner and I haven't been able to keep food down all day, not with these things up my nose. I'll see you soon okay?"

"Okay," Jongin whispers to the empty room around him. He slams his laptop shut and shoves it off the bed with a scream he can't recognize, letting the walls dissolve around him, letting the curtains rip themselves to shreds. "Okay.

櫻

"Hi Jongin! It's me again. This one's just in case you know, in case anything happens -- which it won't and we won't be watching this video together or at all because it won't but if it does. If you're watching this video it means i haven't survived my operation," Baekhyun shifts in place, and his eyes aren't directly on the camera like they usually are, not locked onto Jongin's as he watches. He stares past the camera, at somewhere far away that seems like it's more than the room he's in, more than Jongin can comprehend.

Baekhyun isn't wearing a sweater today, just a hospital gown that's falling off his shoulders, and Jongin can see every bone that sticks out, can see how frail his arms are through the transparent sleeves. And yet, Baekhyun is still smiling, weakly but beautiful, and Jongin wonders if Baekhyun smiles because that's all he knows, or if he smiles because that's all Jongin is supposed to know. 

After all, even with one wall broken down Baekhyun has always had an extra few stacked up, has always been smiles and laughter and obnoxious energy that's nearly impossible to see through. 

"I go in tomorrow," Baekhyun's words are subdued, quieter than usual and without their spark, without the quirky, sarcastic humour that accompanies every wink of his large expressive eyes. "I'll be fine. Don't worry. But it's always nice to be prepared."

Jongin doesn't know what to say, not to himself or to the air around him because the air in his lungs doesn't exist and he's not sure his mouth would know how to work anyways, not with his mind frozen. His hands shake as the realization hits him once again, that the delusion of the past week of watching videos, the wonder of Baekhyun's optimism and waving hands and silly antics are a thing of the past.

 _And the past should never exist really_ , Baekhyun would tell him. _Because the moment is now and the moment should always be now, and if you dwell you stay in one place._

_"That's why I love Spring, Jongin," Baekhyun sighs as the lights appear on the horizon and the sun's rays weaken in their descent. "It reminds you that when one thing ends another, more beautiful thing begins. And you can't focus on the long winter when the grass is just turning green in front of you."_

But the future doesn't have a boy that burns hotter and shines brighter than the surface of the sun itself, that sings more beautifully than anyone on the radio and speaks with more purpose than any motivational speaker ever could. 

"I don't know how to say goodbye," Baekhyun admits from Jongin's laptop screen, and he looks apologetic, a shard of what's broken inside him coming to the surface for a flash of time before he's back to beaming again. "I was going to sing to you but my weight is too low for that and my lungs can't handle the pressure." I think that's the saddest thing about not getting better. I don't care if I have no hair or if I can't walk because I can't sing and Jongin-"

Baekhyun coughs into the sleeve of his hospital gown, warcking coughs that shake his tiny body and sound like breaking glass in Jongin's ears as he watches. And perhaps it's not quite glass that's breaking, but that's what Jongin's heart feels like, tiny pieces that won't ever exist again. 

His heart -- his home -- has existed in Baekhyun long before he was sick, long before he only smiled on a video feed and long before Baekhyun's heart ever existed in Jongin. Jongin is homeless now. 

"Sorry about that," Baekhyun wheezes, and it breaks Jongin to watch him adjust the fake hair on his head, the wig that Jongin had worked long hours at the tiny coffee shop down the street to afford. "I'm sorry if this sounds selfish when you're always right there and I know you love me and I know you're important than singing but can I tell you something?"

Baekhyun wipes his cheek, and Jongin realizes, alone in the dark of his room, fox blanket around his shoulders and laptop ready to fall off his knees, that he's never actually seen Baekhyun cry before. 

"I think I'm only saying this because you're not right there to stare at me with naive eyes and put your hand awkwardly on my shoulder, but I've never felt so alone, Jonginnie," Baekhyun wipes his other cheek, or at least he tries to before his arm drops to his side. He's too weak to lift them properly, and his eyes are directly on Jongin's now, no longer looking at the abyss that Jongin can't see. "Everyone here talks to me because that's their job, and it was never your job to talk to me but you did, and you listened to me too, even when I was blabbering and hiding and never said anything really at all. But now, now I just feel alone and the walls scream at me everyday and I want to better so I can come home."

Jongin can't see Baekhyun's face anymore; the world around him is too dark, blurry and terrifying and sad. He hadn't cried in the church the week before, had just stared at the wall with hollow thoughts and hollow feelings. 

"But I guess since you're watching this I never came home and I'm sorry about that. I tried really hard you know?" Baekhyun is crying now, and jongin can barely see him but he knows what heartbreak sounds like. "Do you want to hear a confession? The operation is going to kill me, and I know this. And the doctors know this, but it's either they try or I die soon anyways. I lied to when I said everything would be fine and I would come home because I'm never coming home. I'll never see you soon and I'm sorry."

Jongin stops the video. 

"You did come home though," He stutters out, eyes trained to engraved words on a stone. Flowers litter the grass around him, pink petals torn apart by hysterical hands. "You came home and you're right here and maybe if I lie down on the grass I'll still hear your heartbeat, and maybe if I train my ears enough I'll hear your voice."

But he doesn't. And he never will again.


End file.
